Cut the Shit

Wellity, wellity…

Gay Pride was a complete success! I got out of my mood the second I left work. Figures that that was what was bringing me down!

We did and saw and participated in so many events that it would be impossible for me to list them all. But I will say that the best time we had was at the Gay Pride Parade. There were tens of thousands of gay people strewn about 5th avenue screaming and chanting and being one. The floats were incredible, the music was PUMPING, and the costumes were lavish and fun. There were gay babies, gay senior citizens, gays with one leg, political representatives, famous musicians, playwrights, body builders, strippers, dancers, etc. Standing among this massive crown of people filled with me so much pride, I almost started to weep with joy during a couple different moments.

There are very few times in my life when I feel an identity towards a specific group of people. This weekend was definitely one of them. I felt so much happiness and joy in my sexuality. Who wants to be straight when you can be GAY? Surely not me.

The lesbian places we went to turned out to be a lot of fun and totally welcoming to gay men. I was shocked and relieved that I didn’t have to split up with my friends. We drank from 5pm on Friday straight thru to 5pm yesterday, only stopping to sleep during 4-hour intervals here and there. I thought I was going to die on Saturday afternoon, but somehow I found the energy and pushed through. Thank God that I did. I feel so happy that I was able to attend everything that I wanted to and that I didn’t let my exhaustion get the best of me.

Here are some highlights from the weekend of GAY:

1) At the lesbian party on the Hudson River, I decided that the bathroom line was WAY too long. I asked everyone to give me their empty cups and to form a tight lesbian circle around me. With my friends protecting me from the thousands of lesbians at the party, I whipped out my dick and filled up two glasses with piss. Two minutes later, Mariah bumped into my friend, Angie – who was in the process of holding one of my piss cups. It spilled and drenched everyone with steaming hot urine. We laughed and laughed and smelled like booze piss for the rest of the night.

2) In one evening, we stumbled across at least 4 different groups of people smoking pot. They ALL included us in their smoking sessions and for the first time in forever, I didn’t have to bring or pay for all of the pot we smoked. Everyone was so generous and wonderful about it.

3) I hooked up with Ahmad twice. Once when we crashed at my place at 4am, Saturday morning, and once more when we woke up at 9am, Saturday morning. He came the first time, I came the second time. After I wiped up my cum, I told him to “Go home”, which he did. I had a great time with him on Friday night, but needed some space after the hook-up extravaganza.

4) We all crashed at Paul’s place on Saturday night and ended up passing out at 5am. Each one of us was up by 11am the next morning with a Bellini (champagne and orange juice) in hand. We drank the biggest bottle of champagne I have ever seen in my life and headed out to the parade. The old hangover cure of having some of “The hair of the dog that bit you” is totally true. I can attest to it first hand.

5) I finally saw A Beautiful Mind and loved it. Russel Crowe, although not my most favorite actor in the world, is truly brilliant. Jennifer Connelly was excellent too, but should she be allowed to win an OSCAR for that part? Does she even get NOMINATED for that part? I thought she was VERY VERY good. Don’t get me wrong. But the part was rather weak for an OSCAR nomination. Then again, what do I know? I just got into the first play of my NYC career. Snores McSnorsersons.

6) I got my first letter from Baghdad! My brother finally got a note out to me and it made my day.

7) Saw two of my favorite Gay Bodybuilders at the parade. They were HOTTTTTT, cept kind of femmy. Now I don’t think I can masturbate to them anymore. The façade was totally ruined. At first I was like “OMG! Look who it is! Caesar and Tom Katt!” But after they flexed their huge bodies for all of the adoring fans, they proceeded to skip and prance around the float they were supposed to be posing on. My jaw hit the pavement and I looked away in disgust and embarrassment. Don’t be BIG and HOTT and then go be BIG and fag. That’s just not appealing at all.

8) We came up with so many new saying and jokes during the weekend. Despite a few arguments and bouts of tears, the group managed to stick together and laugh throughout all of it. When you have so many different personalities working towards a common goal (Gay Pride), there will, of course, end up being some disagreements. Yet, I was pleasantly surprised to see that everyone got along. The one thing that I will carry away from this whole experience is that we all laughed and laughed and laughed. So much laughing that my vagina is aching today.

I can’t believe the entire thing is over now. So much anticipation and so worth it. But now we have to wait a whole year in order to do it up again. We all commented on how there should be Gay Pride at least 5 times a year. None of us like the idea of the city only turning uber friendly towards gay people during one weekend of the year. As the parade ended and we finished up our beers and burgers, we were all very sad to say goodbye to the freedom and the fun that we were collectively a part of. While saying goodbye to each other, we hugged a little bit longer than usual. “But I will see you this week for my birthday party!”, I called out. “But it’s not the same. We won’t get to do this whole gay weekend again until next year”, Mariah said. “Yeah. Yeah, I know”, I admitted.

The fantasy world ended and Kelly and I boarded the subway for home.

Tonight I am going over to Ahmad’s after work. He is making me dinner and a cake and giving me my birthday present. I have NO idea what it is, but I was given this clue:

“My gift is not extravagant (NUTS!), but it is something that will show you how good of a listener I am. And I know for a fact that you will love it”, He says.
“That’s a lot of pressure you are putting on yourself.” I reply.
“I’m confident that you will love it.” He says back.

So we will see! I am nervous and curious and hmmmmmmmm….I don’t know.

We will NOT be hooking up tonight. I need to slow us down a bit again. He told Mariah on Friday that “Joe is a good boy and I am willing to wait as long as he needs for him to be able to open his heart to me.” Mariah immediately reported this information back to me, along with some other comments that warmed my heart, but made my nerves shatter at the same time.

What ever happened to just “Playing it by ear” or “Taking everything one day at a time”? The kid has some serious feelings for me. I have serious feelings for pizza.

You understand.

Thank God this Monday is almost over.

Two more days until I am @^!

Oops. I meant 26!

Well, it's officially Gay Pride Weekend and I have started it out in a foul mood.

Last night was ok. Nothing special. I didn't end up going out to the Meow Mix, with the rest of the girls, cuz I was having a day of hating lesbians. It's a little overbearing to hang out with a group of 8 girls, all of whom want to go to every lesbian bar in the city. I wish we had some gay guys in our group. And by gay guys, I mean gay friends. Not the variety of boys I have been known to date at times.

I have been such a bitch to everyone I have talked to this morning. I am having one of those days where I take out my mood on everyone else and it's not fair. I have to go home and take a nap and get ready for a weekend of fun. It's going to be whatever I make of it and I must make it a good time. I think I just need some rest.

I surprised Paul by staying over at his house last night. It broke my heart to see how happy he was to have me waiting there for him. But the guilt I felt inside, knowing that I was seeing Ahmad tonight, made me act all weird and detached. Paul wants only me. And I don't know what I want. I want Paul, the way he is right now, but how do I know that he won't revert back to his old ways?

As he fell asleep last night, I lay staring at him for a long time. He looked so beautiful laying there. He looked so real. I thought for a moment "I know him better than I know anyone else on the planet. He is the most real person I have in my life". Then I got increasingly more upset that behind his back I am still dating Ahmad. He doesn't deserve that. Not when he loves me so much.

I need to get my mood in gear and enjoy this gay pride to the fullest. It's my first one in NYC. I have tons of plans, including: house parties, bar hopping, a kegger on Chelsea Piers and the big ass parade on Sunday. There is no reason why I should feel the way I do right now. It's not the gay events or the lesbians that is really bothering me. It's the confusion, guilt, and anger I feel towards myself over the whole Ahmad/Paul situation. As often as I say that I just want to live my life for me and to do what I want to do, deep down it is a very difficult issue for me to deal with. I am always upset because I feel as though I am hurting other people by living my own life.

Congrats to my fellow gays on the Supreme Court's Ruling Against the Ban on Gay Sex! It is a victory that I know a lot of you have been hoping and praying for.

Here's to our equality!

And to a beautiful, pride-filled, weekend.

Guess who’s famous?

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Me.

This morning I gave an interview to the Daily News about being a twentysomething Manhattanite that finds a way to survive living a life without a cell phone. My friend, Joanna, was interviewed yesterday and she gave my name to the columnist and I was contacted this morning for the interview. It was SO much fun. She asked me numerous questions and my opinion on cell phone usage in today’s society. When I get nervous, I speak fast and throw way too much information into the conversation. I hope she doesn’t cut and paste things I said in a manner that would make me humiliated. I can just imagine the article coming out and it saying:

Joe CuttheShit believes that cell phones are impersonal and straight from the depths of hell. He believes that if you (sic) use a cell phone, you should go to hell too. Hellbound fuckers…I like cheese a lot.

The interviewer said that she might even take a picture of Joanna and I and put that in the paper next to the article! YAY! How fun! I will make a hundred copies and mail it out to anyone who wants one. Or you could just look at it online. OH! One more funny thing…the interviewer lady person asked me what my girlfriend thought of me not having a cell phone and I was like DOH(!), girlfriend?!?! So, I said “Yes, I have a girlfriend and she’s cool with it, blah blah blah.” “Oh, how long have you been together?”, she asked next. “For about 3 and a half years, but now I’m dating a Muslim and he has a really good body.” OOPS! Sike. But I did tell her that I had a girlfriend. All I could think about was that if I told her I was gay, it would eventually come back and bite me in the ass in the future. So I lied about my sexuality. Which I HATE HATE HATE to do. Whatever. I need a publicist ASAP.

Last night’s auditions were AMAAAAAAAAAAAAZING. Holy shit was it so much fun. We auditioned about 11 or 12 guys and out of all of them, two were great! Megan decided to have call backs next Tuesday, so that we can see the guy, Brad, from Tuesday night, alongside the other two boys from last night. I have a personal favorite that I hope gets the part. Brad was excellent, but after seeing this guy, Ian, I immediately realized so much more about my character than I had previously. Ian embodies the role of Jim. But I am not the director and I am confident that Megan will make the right choice. Brad was too pretty to be Jim, I think. Ian has this inherently masculine, confident, aggressive nature that seemed to work wonderfully. Plus, he was one of the only two that read the play before the audition. A total MUST for any aspiring auditioner.

I got home around 9:30pm and was up until about 2am running the lines in my bed. The fire in my belly was pulsing with the passion of a thousand actors. It was such an invigorating feeling! I couldn’t stop running the scenes over and over. Trying out new ways to say the lines and inventing different circumstances for my character. It was SO fun and all consuming. Welcome back to acting Joe! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

Yet, I am pretty tired today from staying up all night playing around. I gotta try to keep my passion a little bit under control or I am going to end up being a gay zombie. And gay zombies have been known to eat brains. And I don’t mean brains from your head…I mean brains like your bag of balls.

crunch slop gulp.

Tonight I am off to the Cubby Hole for happy hour and then MAYBE over to the local dyke bar for a few drinks and dancing. I am doing my best to bail out on the lesbian nonsense, but I don’t know if I will be able to. My friends seem to love having me stand there fending for myself. And every time I go, I get into a fight with one angry dyke or another. No lezzies’ seem to like cute and harmless gay boys.
(okay, maybe not so harmless.) (but definitely cute, right?)

So far Ihaven’t been able to find many fun things to do for PRIDE weekend, despite getting trashed at the clubs. I was hoping that there would be a gay boat cruise or a gay picnic or even a gay man lazar tag. But it seems to me that the only genre of people that do events like that are lesbians. And lesbians are mean.

Ok, sorry. I digress. Lesbians are not the devil. I don’t want any of my lesbionic readers to think that I hate them. I am just tired of not being included in their little events. And I am VERY tired of getting into confrontations with them every time I step into one of their bars. Gay men very rarely treat women like this. So why the double standard?

Oh! And I found out something totally weird! Turns out that lesbians consider fingering a girl more personal than eating a girl out. TWAT? I was SURE it was the other way around. But no. All of my lesbians say that eating a girl is like nothing. But fingering is like fucking. Interesting. I learn something new every day about those vagina eaters.

Ah well…in any case…I am very excited to spend Pride weekend with my girl friends. I just wish there was a place that we could all go where everyone felt comfortable. One would think that gay people had a natural kinship with each other, but it’s just not true. Boh well.

Happy Thursday my gaylords!

There’s just so much.

No introduction to my post today. Last night was such an insane evening that I must immediately jump in and try to explain why every time I go out with my group of friends, drama follows us and slaps us in the face.

First off…the audition.

Last night, Kelly and Megan (Co-Founders of the Theater Company that is putting on Stupid Kids) and I met up with this kid named Brad to audition him for the part of Jim. You get all that? So many names.

The real auditions for the part of Jim happen tonight, but Brad couldn’t come so we met him last night just in case he was right for the part. And thank God we did! Cuz, um…he is PERFECT for the part. First off, the part of Jim has to be played by a very masculine, “Rebel Without a Cause” type of guy. He must also be comfortable with homosexual kissing. During last night’s audition, Brad and I had chemistry that blew everyone away. His acting was top notch and his sex appeal was off the charts. He has blond hair, steel blue eyes, and a ripped body. He is taller than me and man…just looks SO good. Guys with lean, muscular bodies do not turn me on, usually. I go for BIG and BEEFY. But Brad has so much charisma and appeal that I know I speak for both Kelly and Megan when I say that we all wanted to drink his cum.

Once we had finished, the three of us went to have a drink at a nearby bar. We were all FLOORED by the amount of talent this kid has, combined with the chemistry that he and I had during our reading. It was a bit overwhelming. Tonight, we audition 10-15 more guys, but I know we all breathe a little easier knowing that if none of them work out, Brad is a shoo in for the part. He is currently doing an off-Broadway show and just finished shooting a film on Sunday. Impressive, but intimidating. I left Kelly and Megan at the bar and went over to Paul’s place to get ready to go out. However, the whole audition experience left me a bit shaken. I felt emotions that I haven’t felt in 3 years. The passion in my gut for performance was lit up. I started to realize that being an actor is who I am. And for the last 3 years I have been doing everything in my power to run away from that. I started to cry.

Kelly arrived at Paul’s apartment an hour later and I immediately pulled her into the bathroom for a quick talk.
I told her of my fears and doubts of becoming an actor again. I told her that I felt as though my world was turning upside down and that for the first time in my life, I was truly SCARED. You see, I am a good actor. I know it. I feel real emotions when I say the lines. I BELIEVE in what is happening in the scene as though it were real life. It’s a lot to be confronted with after such a long hiatus. Kelly hugged me and told me that she understood and that she will be with me throughout the entire process. But for the rest of the night, I was off. I was confronted with my old life and while part of me wanted to run away from it, part of me wanted to grasp onto it for dear life. I don’t want to be Joe CuttheShit pseudo-actor, man-eater, smoker/boozer. I want to be Joe CuttheShit focused actor, hard worker, honest soul.

Anysnoodle, we all arrived at Beige/B-Bar/Bowery Bar, etc. at 10pm. Tons of different names for the same place. Joining me in my first Gay Pride outing was Paul, Kelly, Mariah, and Paul’s roommate Jen. B-Bar has a patio in the back that allows smoking, so we immediately started walking back to that area. As we rounded the front bar, I bumped my arm into one of the waiters’ arms. He turned around and dropped one of the drinks he was carrying onto the floor. Somehow, he thought that Kelly did it. He looked her in the face and then launched the other drink on his tray right into her face. It landed on her toes and then smashed all over the floor. We were SHOCKED.

Suddenly there was an uproar. Mariah, Paul, and I all started freaking out. “What the FUCK do you think you are doing? You don’t THROW drinks at customers! Are you fucked up in the head?!?!” It was crazy, chaotic, and rather exciting. A manager ran over, talked to Kelly about what happened and then told the waiter to go upstairs and change his clothes. We are pretty sure he was fired. The manager then gave Kelly 7 free drink tickets and apologized profusely. Kelly handled it all with style and grace. But Mariah and Paul were furious for a long while after. The whole situation was really fucked up and I just stood there saying “Why is it that EVERY time we go out, something completely out of control happens?!?!”

We downed some vodka tonics and talked our faces off. Paul was absolutely adorable. I bought him a rose and he about burst into tears with sheer joy. As Mariah and I were taking a trip to the bathroom, this is the conversation we had:

Mariah: “Paul is so in love with you. He was just telling me how he is so glad that you are giving him a second chance.”
Joe: “Mariah, I don’t think I want to be with Paul anymore.”
Mariah: “What do you mean? You just gave him a rose! He is really trying hard to be the boyfriend you want him to be.”
Joe: “I know I keep saying that if he just changes his ways, our relationship will be so much better, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t know if I want a boyfriend at all anymore. It’s not Paul’s fault. At this stage in my life, I think I just want to be single and free. Independent and able to do what I want.”
Mariah: “What about Ahmad?”
Joe: “Ahmad is a great guy too, but I don’t want a relationship with him. I want to kiss and date and talk to lots of boys. I have never really had the opportunity to do that freely and I think now is the time.”

Mariah totally understood where I was coming from, but it was hard for both of us to watch Paul work overtime trying to make me happy. Fortunately, that didn’t last too long as Paul and I got in a screaming match at Ray’s Pizza and I left to go back to his apartment alone. I remember calling him “ugly” and reminding him that the friends that we went out with were “my friends and not his”. It was a terrible scene and my acid tongue got the best of me again. Paul was a dickhead back, but he is never as cruel as I can be.

I arrived at Paul’s apartment before Mariah, Kelly and Paul did. When I got to his pad, I had another glass of wine and hung out with Jen and Lisa. Eventually the rest of the group showed up and we smoked and laughed and had a good time. It was as though the whole “Ray’s Pizza” confrontation never happened. Everyone got ready to go to sleep at 2am. Paul was already passed out in his bed. Without saying goodbye to him, I packed up my shit and went home. It wasn’t that Paul had done anything wrong. In fact the only person that had a big fat mean mouth last night, was me.

I am in a place of confusion right now and I find myself doing and saying things that seem so out of character for me. Yet, I do them because I feel as though I need to start trusting my instincts a bit more. I have to allow myself to grow and change and make mistakes. If leaving Paul’s place at 2am without saying goodbye is what I needed to do, then that is what I needed to do. If I was unnecessarily mean to him, then I was unnecessarily mean to him. I am not saying it was appropriate at all. But if that’s how I felt in the moment, then I resolve to be confident in my decisions.

I am so hard on myself every day for stupid shit and it’s time I started LIVING. People fuck up all the time and I want to stop criticizing and watching my every move.

As I have said over and over for the last couple of entries, I need to focus on me and stop worrying what everyone else in my life is going to think about it. I have a great group of friends. It’s time I started trusting in them.

Tonight is the big audition! Hoping it goes as well as last night.

Wow. Look at me acting again! Baby steps. Baby steps all the way to fame.

HAPPY GAY PRIDE WEEK!

YAY! This is one of my most favorite weeks of the year. It’s like the one time when you can truly be proud to be a gay and also get away with drinking yourself into an oblivion every night. And all in the name of gayness!

ROCK.

Tonight I am off to Beige, one of the city’s gay hot spots for a Tuesday night. Also, they have a patio in the back where you are allowed to smoke cigarettes. That is like unheard of these days. So, tonight around 11pm, picture me kicking back with my fellow Homo’s, toasting to a week of cruising, drinking, and full out debauchery. Slurp it up baby! SLURP-IT-UP!

This weekend with my parents was fucking fantastic. We laughed so hard and so often. They were overly generous with my birthday gifts, as usual. I mean, I know I’m going to be 26 and all, but I love opening my presents as though I just turned 8. I think they also get a kick out of seeing me revert back to my childhood, when everything I said was “Just what I always wanted” or “Oh cool! Can I play with it now?” The weekend flew by and I was pretty sad to have to say goodbye to them on Sunday. If I could have had the birthday present of my dreams, it would be for them to live much closer. I still look forward to the day when my entire family can get together every Sunday for a big family meal. But until Winfield comes back to the states, there is no chance of that happening. We did talk about him a lot this weekend and for the most part, it was very positive. Only a few tears were shed. And they were cleansing, good tears. It was really nice to be with two people who know what it truly feels like to have Winfield away. As much as my friends are there for me, it’s impossible for them to fully understand how I feel. But with my parents, they get it. I don’t have to say anything about the situation as it’s always on all of our minds. And if you need a hug, you don’t have to ask for one. There are arms around you before you even get the chance to let the first tear fall.

In total, it was a beautiful weekend with them.

So……..we may have a bit of a problem.

Ahmad has returned from his conference.

While he was gone, Paul and I had a really great week together. He is being extra adorable and putting in overtime when it comes to our relationship. We aren’t fighting nearly as much and when he senses that I am upset, he immediately works on correcting the situation. He has gotten more time off from work so that we can spend time together and he doesn’t act as careless with my feelings as he used to. I am floored at the change in his attitude. And mostly, I am happy being with him.

But

As I said, Ahmad has returned home. He had a great conference and came back ready to continue where we left off. When he e-mailed me yesterday morning, my stomach immediately clenched in worry and dread. I had forgotten how close he and I got before he left. Now, granted, he was only gone for 10 days, but in that amount of time, I have been known to have full blown relationships and moved on to my next conquest. Unfortunately for Ahmad, the relationship I had in the last 10 days was with my boyfriend. The one I have been with for 3 and a half years. The one that I am still in love with.

Right before Ahmad left, we had the following conversation:

Ahmad: “Joe, I want to bring something up to you.”
Joe: “Sure. What’s up?”
Ahmad: “Sometimes when I am with you, I feel as though I am the ‘other guy’ and I don’t know how comfortable I am with that.”
Joe: “You feel that way because you ARE the other guy. There is nothing more I can say about it.”
Ahmad: “Am I always going to be the other guy?”
Joe: “As of right now, yes. Who knows about the future.”
Ahmad: “Do you not want to talk about it anymore?”
Joe: “Not especially.”
Ahmad: “Then we won’t.”

After having this quick dialogue, I could tell that he was a bit upset. But there is nothing I can do about that. I can’t give him any false hope that he and I are going to jump into a relationship. I still want Paul. And even more than I want Paul, I want to be single and independent. Most people take months or years to bounce back into their single life. I feel like I have been bouncing back into it slowly for the last year. The last thing I want to do is have a relationship with ANYONE else. Ahmad included. Sure, time can change that, but for now, I am putting the focus back on myself. Paul can come along for the ride, but no one else.

At (almost) 26 years old, it’s about time to put the focus back on me.

When Ahmad and I spoke on the phone today, he asked me what we would be doing together for Gay Pride Week. I explained to him that I am already booked up for the most part, but I could fit him in somewhere this weekend. My biggest fear is that he is going to show up at one of the bars I am at. This is my fear, because most likely, Paul will be accompanying me wherever I go. At least until Friday night. Then he has to work all weekend. I told Ahmad where I was going out tonight and IMAGINE if he shows up there while I am with Paul? I will probably have a heart attack while spewing vomit out of my mouth and diarrhea out of my ass. I’m in no way ready for THAT confrontation.

Plus, in some ways, I want neither of them to go out with my friends and me. I would LOVE to meet a new guy tonight. As we all know, I am in the midst of a game called “Sluts or Bust” and I am not getting many points hanging out with these two bwahs. Tonight’s bar should definitely net me some hotties. But not if my ballS and chainS show up. Man…I am a pathetic, selfish, asshole. And I love it.

Ahmad got me presents while he was in Vegas. He had mentioned to me that he was going to try to get me a robe from the Ritz Carlton (where he was staying). When he told me how much one of those robes cost, I told him to NEVER EVER spend that kind of money on me. (knot in my stomach) I think he still got it for me. As much as I am excited to see what he is going to get me for my birthday, (knot in stomach) I won’t accept anything too extravagant. Cuz then I would feel as though I owe him something. And I ain’t owing anyone shit just because I am cute, adorable, and fun. Right? Right.

Wish me luck, my people!

One more word about the donation thing…

THANK YOU to everyone who sent us a payment. You MADE my day yesterday. And are totally helping us reach our goals. We will be taking donations until the first weekend of October, so don’t worry that it will ever be too late for you to send us a gift. However…please…and I mean PLEASE…understand that no one in any way should feel guilted or obligated into giving us a dime. I am given so much love from this journal daily and I appreciate that more than anything. I just figured that, while I have the outlet available to me, I might as well try and take advantage of it. Right? Sassy sends mugs, Eelnahs sends CD’s, Joe begs you for your money. It really is a nice system we got goin. I just appreciate all of your love and support so much. The donation thing was just a long shot. And of course I will keep everyone posted as to how it all goes! The auditions are tomorrow night! YAY and also HORK! (a bit nervous)

Enjoy the sun!

And if it’s raining where you live, you probably deserve it. It’s been raining in NYC for weeks.

YAY GAY PRIDE!

We interrupt the regular scheduled blog posts, to bring you something of the utmost importance(!):

During the first two weeks of October, Joe CuttheShit will be performing in his first show EVER in NYC. The show is called "Stupid Kids" and will be done by the theater company owned and operated by my housemate Kelly. Considering that this is a new theater company, they have to do massive amounts of fund raising in order to rent a space, pay for royalties, pay for lights, pay for music, pay pay pay. There is so much paying it makes my heads spin. (heads meaning my big head and my little head – Big Joe and little joe) We have already written a fund raising letter that is currently being mailed out to everyone we know. The letter details the mission statement of the company, the process that took them through their first production, and it also promotes the upcoming shows.
And I must say, it is PRETTY classy.

Keep in mind that this company put on a production at the end of April that was a smashing success. We are hoping that this next show will outdo the first one by leaps and bounds. As Kelly and her partner gain more experience, the shows will blossom into even more extravagant pieces of theater. This time, I will be helping them out as much as I can. My focus is on the show and on the company. I want us to be able to put up an excellent work of art. And I am confident that we will.

SO…

On the right hand side of my page, there is a “Make A Donation” button. Yes (load groan), this post is soliciting you for money. Please understand that I would NEVER EVER ask anyone for anything unless I felt that it was a worthy cause and also impossible for us to achieve our goals without it. The royalties alone cost $360 ($60 per performance). This is just one of the many costs we will encounter over the next couple of months. I came up with the idea of placing a PayPal button (It is the safest and easiest way to donate money on the net!) on my site in the hopes that we would raise (even) a measly $20 from it.

Now, I understand that everyone is strapped for cash and I understand that most of you have never met me in person. So why would I think that I deserve any of your money? Well, frankly, I don’t. And part of me thinks it’s rude to ask. However, theater is my passion and hopefully my inevitable career. You would not only be supporting the company, you would be supporting my dream.

Any amount of money is GRACIOUSLY accepted. That means if you donate $1.50, I would jizz all over myself in excitement. If you donate $550, well…don’t. I would drown in the amount of jizz that would come out of my cock and balls. I don’t have much to offer you as a thank you for donating your hard-earned money to this endeavor, but I can promise you that if you donate over $10, I will put your name in our program as a PATRON OF THE ARTS. And I will even mail you a copy of the program so you can hold onto it as evidence that you are a caring and supportive person. And most importantly, you will take some of the worry and stress away from planning this whole process and replace it with happiness, love, and excitement.

Please understand that you don’t have to donate a single cent. Please understand that no amount is too low. And most importantly, please understand that I would never ask for anything I wasn’t desperate for. It’s not like this site is Save Karen and I’m asking you to bail me out of my over-spending immaturity. Although maybe I will do that during my next post. (snicker, snicker)

No donation is small enough.

If you are offended at all by me coming onto my site and becoming a beggar, please know that this is the only time I will ever do something like this. It’s just very important that we get this show off the ground. Not only for the company, but for me. This show is the platform I need to jump start my career.

Thank you to everyone for reading this. You’ve already done a lot by sitting through this whole thing.

BLING BLING dawgs!

(ok, never bling bling)

Adios.

So, I've spent the majority of the morning thinking that Cati Fabulous was hurt by me. I would never intentionally hurt any of you bloggers. I don't even know most of you, so I can't see how hurting you is even possible. But when I thought that she was upset with me, I wrote this whole sad, introduction to my post today. Then I had to go back and fix it, cuz she swears that it's not me that hurt her feelings. Can I just tell you how relieved I feel now? The pit that was resting like a rock of despair in my stomach has finally eased up. And phew. I take things so personally sometimes, it's scary.

I’ve been known to have a bad temper. Actually, it doesn’t flare up very often, but when it does, it consumes me in a way that I am totally embarrassed and uncomfortable with. Last night for instance, Paul and I had plans to go to a nice dinner. We hadn’t been out to dinner in over a week and I was really excited to sit and have a nice, quiet meal. He and I arrived at the restaurant at around 8pm and Mariah joined us for a bit, but had to leave by 9pm due to a rehearsal for an upcoming show. It’s very rare for Paul, Mariah, and I to have any time for just the three of us and I cherish those moments greatly. While ordering the appetizers, the three of us got into a discussion about how important it is to spend some personal time with the people that you love.

At that moment, Paul’s roommates, Jen and Lisa, were walking by the restaurant and Paul got up to go say “hi” to them. (Keep in mind that we hang out with Jen and Lisa ALL the time, cuz they are constantly at his apartment) I say to Paul as he is leaving to talk to the girls, “Please don’t bring them in here. The three of us are doing our own thing tonight.” Paul nods his head and leaves. Five minutes later, Paul enters back into the restaurant with Jen and Lisa in tow. Mariah pinches my leg, cuz we had JUST had the conversation about how it was nice that the three of us were having a meal…just the three of us.

As they are all taking their seats at our table, the fury of the INCREDIBLE HULK, fills me and instead of busting out of my clothes into a mass of green muscle, I kick Paul’s chair HARD from underneath the table. In fact, I kicked it so hard that the glasses and silverware made this upsettingly loud clinking noise and I realized that I had exposed my anger to everyone at the table. Paul handled it very well and didn’t make a comment about what I had just done. I sat there, frustrated at him for bringing them into the restaurant and frustrated at myself for getting so irrationally worked up about it. Within 10 minutes or so I had squashed the fury and we all had a good time.

As Paul and I were walking home later on in the evening, he grabbed my arm and apologized for what he had done. By that point, I had realized that I had gotten angry over something very stupid. I explained to him that I was confused as to why he brought them in and that I was also sorry for kicking his chair so violently under the table. He kissed me on the cheek and told me that “It was okay”. But in my mind, it wasn’t. I try not to screw up often and when I do, I carry it with me for a long time. I just hate making myself look like a psycho.

So whatever, it was over and done with and no one was any the wiser. But it reminded me that I still have work to do on controlling my reaction to things that I don’t like. Trust me, I have come a long way in curbing my acid laced tongue. No one is perfect and I have to understand that I have made some progress. But it sucks to know that I still have more progress to make.

BUT WHY DID HE BRING JEN AND LISA BACK IN WITH HIM?!?!

Just cuz. That’s why. Just cuz. argh. Er…I mean…yay!

Barf.

I guess that’s all I have to say today. I am excited to go home. I am excited to get out of the city for a couple of days. I am excited to just get away. Next week is GAY PRIDE and we have so many plans for it that I think I will fall into a homo-induced coma by the time next Sunday rolls around.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend.

Drink too much, eat too much, stay up late, and be thankful for the friends you have.

***Also...concerning my post from yesterday...why does my comment section say "one comment" when there is CLEARLY more than one comment listed?

Grrrrr...the Klink family must want me to klink them in their vaginas.

We will begin with the disturbing dream that I had last night.

(Rita…you may want to avoid the beginning part of this entry as it will be all too familiar for you) (No, seriously) and
(Kelly, another horrifying dream about the cats)

In the dream, Paul and I are hanging out at my apartment in Times Square. I remember the TV being on and that we were sitting on my bed. We had been commissioned to watch over Kelly’s cat, Trey, and our friend Angie’s cat, Alex. Paul and I were goofing off when all of a sudden we heard a loud crash come from out in the living room. I jump up and run out to the living room to find Alex laying on the ground with his body all twisted and mangled. Trey, was sitting next to him and crying. There were little cat tears coming out of his eyes. I run over to Alex and see that he can barely lift his head. It looks to me like his spine is broken.

Paul comes running out of the bedroom behind me and gasps when he sees Alex. Trey starts to pace around Alex and he licks him on the face. Alex just turns his head from side to side, whimpering.

Paul says: “What happened??”
Joe: “I don’t know. I think he fell off the fridge or something. It looks like his back is broken. Is he going to die?”
Paul: “I think so, Joe. But probably slow and painful.”
Joe: “Should we take him to the hospital? Should I call an ambulance or something?”
Paul: “Joe, it’s too late. He would die before we got him to the hospital.”
Joe: “Then what do we do?? I can’t stand to see him suffering like this.”
Paul: “I’ll take care of it. You go back in the bedroom.”
Joe: “No. I will stay here with you. Trey is crying and he needs me.”
Paul: “Fine. But turn your head.”

Paul goes to the bedroom and returns with a baseball bat.

Joe: “What are you going to do?!?”
Paul: “I have to end his suffering. I told you to walk away.”
Joe: “I can’t! I can’t leave him!”
Paul: “It’s your choice.”

And with that, Paul raises the bat in the air and brings it down right on top of Alex’s skull. Brains and blood splatter all over the walls and on to Trey’s face. Trey starts to cry even harder and it sounds like the voice of a baby. I fall to my knees next to Alex’s smooshed head. Paul returns to the bedroom with the baseball bat. Trey walks over to the couch and begins to lick off the brains and blood from his fur. I start to cry while sitting there looking at dead Alex.

END DREAM.

I woke up to my alarm and Paul asking “What’s wrong? You’ve been thrashing about on the bed all night.” I told him about my dream and he said “SNORE”. (Damn me for ever teaching him that word) He scratched my back while I had my first cigarette of the morning and I tried my best to get the image of Alex’s smooshed head out of my mind.

Overall I feel much better today. I spent last night hanging out with Kelly and puttering around in my apartment. Paul came over around 11:30pm and brought me french fries from McDonalds. They were really good and gave me an exceptional shit this morning. He was so adorable last night and I realized (once again) that I love him dearly. I want only him. I have to break up with Ahmad…again. Somebody slap me in the nuts please. One day I want one thing and the next I want something different. Ah well. I’m sure Ahmad will give me a super nice birthday present, so I will keep him around long enough for that.

Sike! And if you thought I was serious, then you don’t know me at all. Gold digging is so pase.

Very excited to go home this weekend. My parents and I are celebrating Father’s Day and my birthday all in one! Friday night we will play cards and drink and smoke pot, as per our usual Friday night plan. Saturday we will go out to dinner at an all you can eat buffet. (NYC doesn’t have those and I LOVE them) (Who’s up for a plate filled with french fries piled to the ceiling?) After dinner we are off to the harness track to drink some beers and bet on horses. Back in the day I used to be the biggest advocate for animal rights and wouldn’t have imagined EVER supporting an equestrian track. Now that I’m older, I love drinking beer and hanging out with my parents too much to give a damn about the horse’s feelings. Sure it’s tough to be whipped all day and to run around a dirt track. But do they ever have to deal with being called a “fag”? I think not.

Faggot horses. I am totally saying that to their faces when I see them on Saturday.

Auditions for the show I am doing are next Wednesday. Remember that the show is called Stupid Kids (brief synapsis at this link). Kelly and I are playing Kimberly and Neechee respectively. We still have to cast the role of Jim. This is a big deal on so many levels. Most importantly for me, it’s the guy I have to make out with in the show. So, of course, I hope he is motha fuckin hotttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt! Hot with 37 T’s. My part in the show is that of a little, flaming, gothic, emotionally tormented, 17 year old boy. The part of Jim is a rebel, overly masculine, macho, ego driven, 17 year old MAN. My character falls in love with him and wants to form some sort of a love-based relationship. Jim ain’t havin it. Cuz he’s a straight.

Or IS he? That’s the beauty of the play. And I get to tongue him on stage. Amazing. My parents and friends of my family will have a heart attack. But that makes me want to do it so much more. SHOCK VALUE. Guess what everyone? Not only is Joe a homosexual…he kisses and humps boys on stage too! What TALENT he possesses.

Rock.

Alright…off to my daily nap. Gonna grab a bite to eat, shit it out in 10 minutes and go lay down for a nice summer’s catnap.

Snore me a river.

My brother called me at work this morning. It’s been over a month since I last heard his voice and I was overwhelmed to hear it today. He called me a couple of weeks ago at 6am at my apartment, but I had spent the night at Ahmad’s and unfortunately missed that call. Every day when I walk into my apartment and see the answering machine light blinking, I get a tinge of worry that he has called and for whatever reason, I have missed it. But today, I got to talk to him.

He was calling from a satellite phone somewhere inside of Baghdad. Knowing that I only have a few short moments to talk to him, I tried to ask as many questions as I could, questions that I know my parents would want the answers to. He only had 10 minutes to be on the phone with me and for most of it, the reception cut out and I couldn’t hear what he was saying. There is also a major delay on everything that I say to him so he has to pause in the conversation to wait for my response. It is frustrating and exciting and upsetting all at the same time.

In the last four months my brother has lost 22 pounds. He entered Baghdad weighing 173 and currently he is at 141. His skin is pasty white, but his hands are the darkest tan he has ever had! He is both physically and mentally exhausted. When I asked him how things were going with his men, he said, “We’ve lost a few in combat. But I’m still okay Joe. No need to worry.”

No need to worry? People are dying around you and I’m not supposed to be freaking out? I maintained as much composure as I could. I tried to be upbeat and I tried to sound as though everything with my life is fine. And comparatively, it is. As our conversation came to a close, something inside of me broke free. The tears started flowing out of my face as I realized that I wouldn’t be talking to him again for a while. He says he will try to call me on my birthday, but you never know. As I started crying, so did he and he kept saying over and over “I’ll be home soon. Be happy. I love you so much. Everything is fine.” My sobs began to take over and it took every ounce of strength in my body to give him an audible “I love you too.” I hung up the phone and left my office building. I walked up the street and crouched in a doorway to smoke a cigarette. Eventually I was able to get myself under control, but as I type this, I still feel this sadness sitting directly on top of my heart. A huge lump resting in my throat.

I have tried so hard to put Winfield out of my mind. My parents have let this thing take over their life and I refuse to do that. I can barely find the energy to get out of bed in the morning, much less sit around thinking about, worrying about, and missing my brother. He is everything to me, but I don’t have the emotional courage to focus on it. I have worked so hard to make the last month and a half of my life happy. Then a 10-minute talk with my brother turns my world upside down. Gotta put him out of mind, as much as I hate doing it.

I’m going to go get a drink of water and smoke another cigarette. Maybe say a prayer for him. Maybe shed one more tear in order to feel the release of all of this pent up sadness.

It’s funny.

When you work at a University job, the summers are filled with mindless projects and hours of utter boredom. So, in order to occupy my time, I have decided to find myself a Prison Pen Pal. Kambri Crews had the link on her site yesterday and I decided that that was just about the best idea ever. So for the last two hours I have contacted my favorite prisoners and let them know that I want to be their friend. Upon telling my mom about my new venture, she said, “Why don’t you take that time to write to your brother in Iraq”. I replied “Nah”.

The two guys I picked as my pen pals are buff and HOT. One of them is bisexual and the other is straight. One is in jail for robbery and the other is in jail for homicide. Yes…this was the best idea I have ever had ever. I can only hope that these boys will get out of jail, come find my family and me and brutally murder us all. HOTT!

In other news…I began using Trim Spa today. This product is supposed to increase your metabolism while fighting to decrease fat pockets. The bottle also said that it is an appetite suppressant. So this morning, I took one pill (instead of the recommended 2) and have found myself more ravenous than usual. Maybe it’s my metabolism speeding up. Or maybe it’s all in my head and I just spent $40 on horse pills for nothing. HOTT!

My birthday is on July 2nd. (I am a die-hard cancer-through and through) I am going to be 26 years old. YIPES. I thought 25 was bad, but 26 is like 30 which is like 50 which is like death in a body. In all honesty, I have yet to truly care about turning another year older. Maybe that anxiety will come in time, but so far…I could care less if I am 26 or 57. As long as I always have baby smooth skin on my face and on my ass. And as long as I can always jerk on my penis as though it’s made of rubber. Hairy rubber.

Each year my friends do something amazing for me for my birthday. Up until 2 years ago, I was always thrown a surprise party. Tons of my friends would get together and we would rock out in one way or another. Sometimes it was booze filled, sometimes it was cake and ice cream filled. Okay, it was only cake and ice cream filled before I turned 21. Two years ago, once the parties stopped coming, Kelly and her ex-girlfriend, Angie, in conjunction with Paul, took me to the Crown Plaza Hotel for the night. I snorted lines of coke the entire time and we all had a blast. I have to admit the only part of the night that I wasn’t too fond of was the coke. And I have yet to touch the stuff since.

Last year, Kelly and Rita planned the day and we all went to dinner and drinks and opened tons of presents and I even went to a psychic during the day. It was one of the best days that I have had in my entire life. I remember sitting at dinner and saying: “I don’t even want to drink alcohol! I am having such a good time being sober with all of the people that I love!” Mariah was there, Ari was there, Angie, Kelly, and Rita were there, and it was wonderful.

But this year is going to be different.

Everyone is kinda poor now. And our group of friends has split into so many different directions. Since it is now June 17 and no one has mentioned my birthday to me, I have decided to take the matter into my own hands. It is up to me to plan the celebration. And you know what? That’s okay. For years I haven’t had to plan my own birthday, so I’m due.

I decided to work at my job during the day of my birthday. Usually I would take the day off, but I had such a great time being in the office last year that I figured why not do it again? I have off the 3rd and 4th, so no need to take the 2nd as well.

Wednesday night, the day of my birthday, I am going to spend the evening with Paul. I am leaving the entire night up to him, which is probably a very risky thing to do. Paul is terrible with planning ANYTHING and I am hoping to high heaven that he doesn’t fuck this night up. It means the world to me to be able to spend the night with him. I haven’t spent a birthday alone with him since the year we first got together. It could be a beautiful night or a terrible night. It’s all dependent upon how much he truly cares about me.

Thursday I have off from work, so I am hoping that Kelly and Angie and maybe Mariah will plan some fun stuff for us to do during the day. (HINT,HINT GIRLS!) Thursday night I want everyone to meet at my apartment for a few drinks before we hit the town! I’m talking going out to some fun gay bars! So probably “Splash bar” and maybe “The Roxy” or something. I want us to drink a lot, stay up late, smoke the pot, and have a wonderful time altogether. In my wildest dreams, I want all of us to crash at the same location, whether that’s at Mariah’s apartment in Brooklyn, a hotel room, or crammed into my tiny apartment in Times Square.

On Friday, the 4th of July, I hope that we will all wake up together and have some breakfast while laughing and giggling about the previous night’s activities. Some time around 2ish, I hope that all of us will go to a local park to have a picnic. I’m talking hamburgers, hot dogs, cheeseburgers, and if Paul is there…some of his famous BBQ ribs. I want to cook and lay out in the sun, drink some beers, and be with the people that I love the most. (cept for Rita, who won’t be able to come. But more about that in a sec.)

After our picnic is over, I would like our little party to continue to the fireworks. This is the first 4th of July that I have spent in NYC and I am pretty excited about it. I have spent the last two 4th’s in Boston with Mariah and Paul. This year, I don’t have to leave the city to see them…they are here with me! After the fireworks and a beautiful day together, I hope that we will all slap on some smiles and go back out to the bars.

And that’s it. Saturday and Sunday of that week will be meant for detoxing and masturbating.

Doesn’t that sound like fun?

Do you think people will want to come to this get together? It’s always hard to plan things for my birthday, cuz a lot of people go away for the 4th of July weekend. But I am hoping that people love me enough to stick around this year. Time will tell.

The only downfall is that my Rita won’t be able to be with us. But she has offered to buy my bus ticket to Syracuse for the following weekend! That way I can finally see her again and be with her in her new home. And it will be just us! Hanging out, talking and laughing and singing and being best friends. If it weren’t for her offer of a free visit, I would be extremely saddened by her absence at my “party”.

And that’s that!

Sorry for the very informative, not really entertaining, post today. I had to get all of my ideas about my birthday down on paper so that I can get it straight (er…gay) in my head. Invitations will be going out by the end of today. YAY! HOORAY! BOOM BALAY! SNORE McCRAY! ANY OTHER WORD THAT RHYMES WITH A!

That’s it!

I hope everyone has a nice Tuesday. Two weeks from tomorrow, the extravaganza begins!

What are YOU going to get me?

Your smell intoxicates me,
The yellow of your skin, the freckles of your spice
The luxury of gripping you in my hands.

In moments of sadness – you are there
In moments of elation– you are there
An object of desire and dependence.

Years have passed; your body has changed,
Your flavor and variety
Has only grown with age.

My children will know you as
The father they never knew
A life made complete by your inexistence.

Lovers will come and go
Flitting in and out of my life through fickle hopes
Driving me back to your consistent smile.

It is only now that I can see
The ramifications of loving you – too much.
The reality of letting you run my life.

Pizza, today I say goodbye to you.


This Weekend

Had an incredible time. So much fun in fact that it was 8pm Sunday night before I realized that the fun was finally over. Went out drinking on both Friday and Saturday nights and was up until 5am each evening. Slept very minimally, as I had to get up and go to brunch on both Saturday and Sunday mornings. Man, it was serious fun. Today my eyes are a bit swollen shut from lack of rest. I plan to catch up on that this week.

Ahmad

Is away on business until Friday. Since I am going home to Albany this weekend, I will not see him until at least Tuesday of next week. I miss him a tad bit, but definitely needed to get some perspective while he is away on his trip. Got an email from him this morning and he sounded pretty good. I got hard when I read some of what he wrote.

Paul

Has been pretty exceptional over the last couple of days. It doesn’t change how I feel about anything right now, but it was nice to know that he could treat my friends with respect. He hasn’t always been so congenial in the past, but Saturday night he was a gem. And last night, he was more than a gem. He was funny, patient, helpful, kind, and more than a boyfriend. He was my man.

Kelly’s, Ex-girlfriend, Angie

Had an AMAZING time with her this weekend. Her 6-month trip to Mexico fucked her up a bit. She is slowly acclimating to her old life again and it was good to see that she hasn’t lost some of the wonderful things that make up who she is. She is growing and changing as an adult, but I do feel very lucky and proud to be a part of it still.

Cheeseburgers

Had one for brunch on Saturday, one for dinner on Saturday night, and one for brunch on Sunday.

My Shoes

Are on their last legs. There is no suspension left in the heel and I am almost embarrassed to be seen tripping all over them. I found a pair at “Payless” for $20, but decided to wait and buy them this week. Now my right ankle is starting to hurt. If it rains, my foot gets soaked and then makes “SQUIT, SQUIT, SQUIT” sounds every time I take step.

Phlegm

Gallons of it resting comfortably inside my throat.

$10

The amount of money I had to pay to get into Jeckyll and Hyde (one of the WORST bars in Manhattan) because the hostess refused to believe that I am a homosexual.

Amaryllis

Bought one for Paul yesterday as a “Thank you” for his generosity when taking out my friends on Saturday night.

463

The amount of drinks I had this weekend.

3,249

The amount of cigarettes I smoked.

4

The number of joints I took part in.

All of them

The number of joints that I took part in that were rolled from my pot.

Not Another Teen Movie

Saw it again last night and decided that I MUST own it. So funny. SEW SEW SEW funny.

Rachel

Told her roommate, (and one of my best friends) Mariah, that she was “fat” and “ugly” and that she “Wouldn’t be caught dead with Mariah if she didn’t change the outfit she had on” for the Spooky Ooky Pub Crawl.

Rachel was SO mean and cruel to Mariah that despite a very determined effort on her part, Mariah ended up bursting into tears in front of the entire group. Then I started to cry, because I can’t STAND seeing Mariah cry. Then Rachel got angry that we were both crying and took off her costume and refused to go out with us. After an hour of coaxing and 10 minutes of me begging and pleading with her, Rachel agreed to go out. Of course, an hour into the evening, Rachel threw a HUGE temper tantrum and refused to drink or dance or talk to any of us. She sat in the corner for the rest of the night.

Must I say it again? I fucking hate that bitch.

So, my birthday is coming!!

WOOO HOOOOO!

Will definitely get into that topic tomorrow. So much planning to do and so much fun to be had. I have already planned out the entire thing in my head, minute by minute.

Tune in tomorrow for the great and exciting details.

Have a fast fucking Monday!

boodnight.

i don't really hate myself.

that was a joke.

i hate myself.

I just re-read that post in my typical anal style and thought:

Please Joe don't write when you're wasted anymore. Please Joe?
Please? You make no sense and your mind wanders please?

Member about please?

You said one time you would do it please?

Please goes very well with carrots.

Cuz pweas and carrots.

For a long time I please

fucking please

PLEASE

Did you say please?


please.

Yeah man.

Please.


***I call this "Waiting for Gadoot". I mean...is there a reason to get it? I mean...is there?

(I run away now)

HOLY SHIT WOW!

Joe is posting during the weekend!

It is late late late on Friday night and I am way way wasted. So many drinks, so many conversations, so many snores. Which leads me to the reason I stop into this journal tonight.

I always check my site. We all do. Right? I mean, we do. You click on it, you check your comments, you get in those modes where you stop by your sitemeter account every 10 minutes. I mean we all do it and I am the first to tell you that I never have.

Cept I always do.

Tonight when I came home and happened to GLANCE by my site...I was a little shaken up. You people care. You do. And you know me. I've never met (almost) any of you and the things you write to me are so in tune and on point. It blows my mind.

I have two types of readers.

I have those who leave comments, the way you all do (the people I am writing this post to).
And I have those that for the most part, have been with me from the beginning, but never make their voice known except through emails.

I cherish both aspects. So much so.

The point of all of this is ...er...this:
(this this and this)

You all made me feel really great about myself tonight. You made me feel important. I am gushing and it's unsightly for a woman to do that...but...well...(boner sticking out)...I love you all.

T-bone signs "Latas" and "Snores" on my site and I smile HUGELY.
April comes by my site and leaves a comment that is different than any I've gotten from her so far. I feel like I know her a little bit more by reading her site in depthly over the last week. And I love it. April...thank you for laying it out there. It's brave and it's rare. Good for you. And thank you for including us in your recent loss. It rings true with me.
Rose, Tina, Keol, Meegan, Daisy, Ahmad's Cheerleading section...you understand. I mean....hahahahaha. None of you know me and now I feel like king. Well, gay king. Don't worry...I still know my place.

Okay...I have so gone overboard. That's what happens when you "stop by your site" after a few hundred vodka tonics with extra lemon yum does anyone have a vodka tonic with extra lemon I am going to eat the donuts I bought I promised myself I wouldn't eat donuts anymore, but guess what I have powdered AND chocolate

fuckin c ya

At 11:30pm last night I was taking off my clothes to get into bed with Paul. Once naked, he and I sat in his living room to have our last cigarette before bed. We talked a bit and discussed the next day’s activities. I finished my cigarette first and went into his bedroom. There were no lights on in the apartment and the curtains that hang over his open bedroom doors were blowing back and forth grasped in the clutches of the fan’s oscillation. I decided to pull a little joke on Paul. I climbed onto his bed and jumped into a doggie style position, my ass humping the air. Behind me I hear Paul say “Very funny Joe. Put that ass away.” But to me the joke wasn’t over as I stayed in my “all fours” position. Eventually I realized that the joke was beating itself into the ground and I scooted back off the bed with a jolt. The next thing I knew, a lit cigarette was shoved right into my asshole. I SCREAMED in pain and started feverishly rubbing my rosebud. The pain was unbearable. Behind me I hear Paul apologizing over and over and over. “I’m SO sorry Joe. I didn’t think you were going to back up so quickly. Why did you scoot backwards like that?? JOE! I am SO SORRY!?”

“Why the FUCK would you stick a burning cigarette near my ass, PAUL!? WHY?!?! Oh my GOD you fucking ASSHOLE! My ass is on FIRE!!!”
“Joe, please…I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry.”
“SORRY!?!?!? What possesses a person to stick a lit cigarette into someone’s asshole!? How could this have ever happened?!?!”
“I didn’t realize you were going to back up. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all.”
“Then what DID you mean to do? What was the master plan in your head when you thought ‘I am going to stick a lit cigarette in between Joe’s cheeks??’”
“I am sorry. Can I do anything to make you feel better?”
“Yes. Get me some Neosporin so I can slather my asshole with it.”

In no way was this story exaggerated. I sit here right now with the most tender butt hole on the face of the planet. Paul and I have a history of playing jokes on each other and once in a while a joke goes awry. In this case, it went very awry. In fact, it’s rather ironic that on Wednesday night, Ahmad was sticking his finger into my asshole and I was loving it, and on Thursday night, Paul was sticking his cigarette into my asshole and I was hating it. A true representation of the relationships I got goin. Paul felt terrible about it and didn’t mean to hurt me. But this morning as I was taking my shit I cursed the day I ever met him. I feel as though I shit out a hundred Ginsu knives. Sheesh.

In other news…

Tonight is my friend Joanna’s birthday. She has planned an event called “The Spooky Ooky Pub Crawl”. Everyone dresses up in spooky costumes and we go to bars like “The Slaughter House” and “Meat Cleaver Mamas” and “Chop off my pussy spooky place”. Okay, so maybe I made up the last one. Personally I don’t know if I will dress up at all. I need to get some balls. I am nervous about dressing up in make-up and a costume and going with a bunch of girls to a bunch of straight bars where no one else will be dressed up. I know…get some fucking balls Joe. But I just can’t. Most likely what I will do is put some blood on my mouth and say that I am a gay vampire. Or maybe I will dress up in my nicest outfit and when people ask me what’s so spooky about me, I will whip out my dick and say “Suck my scary dick”. You know how it goes.

Joanna has no idea that I am going. Initially I had to go home to Albany this weekend, but then found out that I had the wrong weekend booked on the calendar. Jo was very disappointed when I told her that I couldn’t attend the spookfest, but she handled it all with style and grace. Mariah and I decided to surprise Joanna and not tell her that I can go afterall. It was going so well until Kelly called Joanna yesterday and told her that “Of course Joe is going. He’s been talking about it all week!”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kelly didn’t know that I was keeping the secret from Joanna. I never told Kelly about the plan. I didn’t think I had to, since they very rarely talk. Luckily, with a little bit of acting skills and a lot bit of guilt, I was able to re-convince Joanna that I am not going out with them tonight. Crisis averted. It wasn’t Kelly’s fault at all. It was mine.

Also, Kelly’s ex-girlfriend (Angie), who is also a very good friend of mine, is coming into town for a visit! She has been in Mexico for the last 8 months on an internship. We are both very excited to have her back in NY. This weekend is (hopefully) going to be non-stop hilarity and fun. But also spooky. Spooky fun.

Gosh, the inside of my butt is sore. Good thing Ahmad is going away on business for the next two weeks. Gives me time to heal. Paul just called me at work to apologize again for burning my insides. He also apologized for being a “brat” last night. Although Paul has begged me to “give him another chance”, last night he took every liberty in making me feel like a douchebag. But when he called this morning and actually apologized for being that way, it made me feel all mushy inside again. DAMN HIM. And DAMN ME for falling into the trap on a more than consistent basis.

K…before I sign out for the weekend, I want to say two things.

1) If my comments aren’t working when you come by my site, refresh the page and they will eventually appear. I have gotten numerous emails asking me what the problem is and all I can say is that “Blogger doesn’t like me very much.” I hope you can forgive them as well as me for not upgrading to a more appropriate server.

2) Whoever is leaving me the comments from “Ahmad’s Fan Club”, I LOVE you for taking the time out to be so creative and adorable. Y’all make me laugh so often, it’s like I wouldn’t be complete without having you there. This site has taken off into such a wonderful direction and I have you, the reader, to thank for it.

I bless you all with a beautiful and fun weekend.

And I bless me for being so smart, talented, and good looking.

Aren’t I just the most humble and deserving kid you know?

Yes, Joe! Yes you are!

(cheering and applause echo throughout the room as Joe takes a bow and leaves.)

Get to know Tina and
Rose.

I guarantee you will LOVE them. And yes T-Boner, I realize that you already know them. Everyone knows you. I find your little face all over the internet.
And yes T-Bone, I love you more for it.

Last night I came up with the best idea for a journal entry, but now I have to scrap it and go in a different direction. I will save my idea for a day when I have nothing to say. But today I have so much to say that I should just get into it.

This is me getting into it.

1) I am doing this part time work for a lady in my office. It’s basically data entry work, but the good thing is that I am getting paid $10 an hour for it and also…get this…it is work I can do from home. AMAZING. It’s mind numbing work, but when I put in 3 hours of work, I can say that I put in 6 hours of work and who hoo-----payday! In any case, the woman who is monitoring my work is what I like to call “the most terrifying beast from the inner depths of ugly hell.” She has absolutely no social graces whatsoever. On numerous occasions I have opened her office door and banged her in the head. You see…it makes sense. She lies down on the floor when things get too stressful. Doesn’t EVERYONE do that at work?? Anyhobble…last week when she was showing me what to do with my data entry, she horrified me worse than usual. You see, “beast” had bitten her cuticle too short and proceeded to smear stripes of blood all over every piece of paper that she touched. I watched in HORROR as she smeared and wiped and gushed blood all over my work. I gagged on myself and was shocked that at no point did she seem embarrassed or grossed out by her blood smearing. She just wiped and leaked all over the place. On Sunday, when I pulled out the packet of work, I saw that the blood had turned from bright red to brown. I re-gagged on myself and vowed to never EVER be in the same room alone with this woman again. I also cut out the pieces of blood from each page of my work. It was hurting my feelings.

2) I went to get my hair cut today. I HATE getting my haircut, but it is imperative that I participate in such an activity. Can’t be letting my pretty face be hidden by my pin straight Asian hair. In any case, when I sat down in the barber’s chair, I looked at the mirror and noticed that I had a HUGE whitehead zit resting delicately next to my nose. WHEN DID I GET THAT?!? It was SO big and intimidating and I kept thinking “Stupid Joe. Next time look in the mirror BEFORE you go out in public.” When the hairdresser walked away, I took my fingernail and tried as quickly as I could to scratch off that disgusting imperfection. Unfortunately, the hairdresser returned before I could fully take care of the problem. For the rest of the hair cut I had blood sitting idly next to my nose. It was a trashy experience and I left with my head hung low.

Is there a reason why my first too stories are blood filled? No, but my next story is about how I bled when breaking my hymen. SIKE. sorta sike.

3) Last night I had the best sex of my entire life. Seriously. Ahmad came over and although I was sick as a dog, he looked so PUMPED from the gym that I immediately had my hands all over his shoulders and arms. I just couldn’t stop myself. He pulled away a few times, I think because he was trying to hold us back from going farther then we should have. Unfortunately, when I see a big playground of MUSCLE in front of me, I can do nothing else but climb the monkey bars and take a slide down the…well…you see where this cliché is going. In any case, we made out for over an hour and we stripped each other naked for 20 long and enjoyable minutes. At one point, Ahmad looks at me and says “I have never felt anything so good in my entire life. I want nothing more than to pick you up in my arms and make love to you.” Ironically enough, I have never had anal sex in my life, but after knowing Ahmad for only 3 weeks, I came so close to doing it with him last night. When I kissed him I felt pure and utter electricity. I felt like he was making love to ever inch of my body. The sweat that poured off our bodies was a sure sign that we had truly let go of our sexual inhibitions. I rubbed his dick all over my ass region and gave him a taste of what it’s like to be SO CLOSE to an asshole that you can’t fuck. Over and over he said: “You are so warm. You are so warm. I love being this close to your body.” And I loved it right back. Instead of inserting his dick into my ass, Ahmad inserted his finger. It takes the right moment and the right guy for me to allow anyone inside of me. I let Ahmad in because he is so MAN and I felt so erotically wonderful in his arms. After 15 minutes of expert fingering, I exploded (!) in one of the most intense orgasms of my entire life. Not only do I not cum in hook up situations, if I do, I do it only while I am submersed in fantasyland. I stayed focused on Ahmad throughout the entire experience and I realized, for the first time, how good sex can really be. Raw, powerful, and real.

This week I have had amazing sex with both Paul and Ahmad. Paul’s was very emotional because of where we’re at in our relationship. Ahmad’s was sexy and hot and unlike anything I have ever experienced. Can you see why I feel as though I am a kid in a candy store? But can you also see why I am nervous to be that kid? How much longer are both of these guys going to give me their all while I sit back and only give half of myself to each one? In a selfish way, I’m glad. It’s about time that I thought only about myself. It’s about time that I have a little fun. It’s about time that I get to know what it’s like to be a healthy, sexually active male. At 25, I’ve yet to get to know this side of my personality. And as I have said over and over in the last paragraph…it’s time.

It’s funny. I haven’t masturbated in a couple of weeks. There has been so much touching and kissing and jerking in my life that when I am by myself, I have no desire to play around with my ding dong. Fucking ding dong. What I meant to say was…playing around with my Venus De Milo.

Remember when I was all depressed and suicidal a month or so ago? What a fucking crybaby I was! I wish I could go back and slap myself in my crybaby face! I so deserved some slaps.

sike. That was a test. If you agreed with slapping my crybaby face, then now I know that you don’t really believe in depression as an actual disease. Thanks a lot you.

Thanks a very lot.

I’m going to go pull my dick in the bathroom for a bit. Lord knows I haven’t had nearly enough action in the last 72 hours.

PEAYCE.

Hi everyone.

I am a sick kid. I very rarely get sick and when I do, it’s like the world falls out from underneath my feet. Although I had an amazing weekend, I contracted some sort of food poisoning on Saturday night and the sickness rode with me until this morning. Talk about vomit. I’ve never seen such an ugly color of bile in my entire life. Over and over I threw up and when I got up to go to work yesterday morning, I realized that I had pulled every muscle in my back. That’s what retching uncontrollably will do to a person. Ah well.

I think the best part is that I kicked the stomach thing by this morning, but now I have severe head congestion. I’m talking sneezing every five minutes water eyes head congestion. GAH. I am exhausted with being sick. No more please.

Since last Thursday, so much has happened. Ahmad has proven himself to be a superstar when it comes to the way he takes care of me. Man…if I say jump, the kid literally jumps. When standing looking at his boxes of cereal (all of which are healthy chunks of granola snores) I say “I want ‘Cookie Crisp’, ‘Boo Berry’, or ‘Fruity Pebbles’”. Ahmad says he is going for a run and returns with “Cookie Crisp”, “Fruity Pebbles”, and “Franken Berry”. Well…he was close. I ate one bowl of “Cookie Crisp” and haven’t been back to his apartment since. I mean, AMAZING that he went out and surprised me with these little treats. But oops…he doesn’t eat those kind of cereals. Now he’s stuck with them rotting in his kitchen. The part that stood out to me the most though is that he listens. When I speak, he hears every word. And that…I love.

But…uh-oh. Paul came over to my apartment on Sunday night and in the midst of my vomiting and rolling on the bed in agony, he bursts into tears and asked me to “Please take him back”. I sat there staring at him and let him continue.

Paul: “Joe, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. I don’t have anything in my life that compares to you. Not my family, not my friends, and not my jobs. I want you and only you, Joe. What can I do to make us better?”
Joe: “I have told you repeatedly what I need from you Paul. I am not going to sit here and tell you again. I am pretty sure that the only reason you are telling me this shit now is because you finally realize that I am moving on without you.”
Paul: “Do you even want to be with me anymore?”
Joe: “I really don’t know.”
Paul: “Do you have any forgiveness left in your heart?”
Joe: “I don’t know.”
Paul: “Joe, I am willing to work on our relationship. I am willing to call you more, be nicer to you, work on our sexual relationship. Joe, I am willing to be the boyfriend that you deserve.”
Joe: “While I would have killed to hear those words months ago, right now I can’t allow myself to trust you. I have put in so much effort into this relationship and I am tired of doing it now. I realize that other people treat me better than you do. And most importantly, I feel better about myself when I am not with you.”
Paul: (sobbing) “Please Joe. I need one more chance. I will work on what I need to work on. I promise you.”
Joe: (sobbing as well) “You don’t need to promise me anything. If it is important enough to you, you will fix it on your own.”

Obviously the conversation went on much longer and in much more detail, but this was the highlight. Since that talk, Paul has been incredible. He has been sweet, kind, and supportive. Monday afternoon, as I lay in bed sick as a dog, Paul woke up and made love to me. The way that I have wanted him to make love to me since January. It was a beautiful time together and I enjoyed every second of it. It was the only time over the last couple of days when I haven’t felt like complete shit.

As easy as it is for me to fall back into the routine with Paul, I am doing my absolute best to keep a level head and to not count on the fact that things with him will improve. In all honesty, I really hope it does, but I am so used to being disappointed by him that I can’t count on it anymore. I am still hanging out with Ahmad and I plan to continue doing so. But so far so good.

Paul has asked that I try to work with his schedule and to be as open minded about us as I can be. If Paul is willing to put in extra effort, I am willing to make him my first priority. But the second I see him slipping back into his old ways, I pull out. Until I am confident that we are in a better place, this will be how things go in our world.

So yeah. Wow. I am SO pleased that he has made these small steps so far.

Now if I could only kick this fucking head cold. I got a big weekend coming up and HELLS if I am going to miss out on any more activities.
HELLS.
BELLS.
So many bells.

Latas.

Haven't posted cuz I had food poisoning. Poisening. Poisen-ing. So sick.

Will be back tomorrow.

For you, it’s Thursday.
For me, it’s Friday.

Tomorrow is the Shavuot holiday and I have the day off from work! Woo hooooo! Considering that I want to take as much advantage as I can of the time I have off, I have been hastily making plans to fill up my days. Usually I like to have a block of time to myself as well…just to rejuvenate and get my shit back together. However, this time around, I will be continuing on the little sleep that I have now and don’t imagine that I will be resting much before next week.

My mom is coming to town on Sunday! She has a business meeting in the city and will be staying until Tuesday. We have plans to go see Dream a Little Dream, the new off-Broadway, “Mammas and Papas” musical. We have plans to have some wine and a nice dinner. AND we have plans to buy my ass some new clothes. My mom is overly generous with me and has been known to sacrifice whatever she has in order to make my life a little bit easier, especially now that my brother is somewhere in Iraq. She has been talking about this trip to NYC for awhile and I am going to do whatever I can to make this trip wonderful for her. I am so lucky to have her and I try to take advantage of this fact whenever I possibly can. I love my mother more than I love most anyone I have met in my life.

Tonight I am going out for drinks with Paul. Tomorrow I am spending the day with Ahmad. Saturday I am hanging out with fellow bloggers. Sunday and Monday I am with my mom. Tuesday, I die. Gosh…dating two boys at once sure can take a lot out of a gay. Er…I mean, guy. But I am excited. It’s a lot better than sitting at home miserable and depressed.

Yesterday I received my mug from Sassy! Gosh, I can’t go on about this girl enough. It’s my first present from a fellow journaler. And can I say that it is the coolest mug I have ever had? It’s so manly and full of punkin’ love. So, THANK YOU Sass. You made my day yesterday. I’m using the mug to hold my jizz loads. Anyone want a Joe baby? Twelve bucks a pop.

My hair has been so good lately. It falls right into place and to be honest, looks like some sort of movie star hair. That is until TODAY. For some reason it is a HUGE poof of nonsense. I resemble a cross between Tina Turner and Weird Al Yankovich. Okay…wow…is this ALL I have to write about today?

Let’s play a game.

The game is called “My Bloodiest Booger”.
We start by putting our forefinger up our nose. (Pausing for you to put your finger up your nose)
No no no. You must put it way farther up there than that. I’m talking FAR.
All set?
Now take your fingernail and scratch the inside of your nose with all of your might!
OUCH!, right? Well, do it again.
Good job. Pull your finger out and look at it. How much blood and booger did you find?
If it covers your whole forefinger, you get 5 points. If you find nothing, you get a punch. If you get a huge piece of bloody mess…you are the winner! Eat it and declare yourself the King (or queen) of the “Bloodiest Booger” contest.

End game.

SO…Mariah, Kelly, and I came up with a fun activity for ourselves this summer. We don’t have a name for the game yet, but I think it will be called “SLUTS or BUST”.
This is how you play:

When you are at a bar, it is imperative that you find a man or woman of your dreams and get them to fuck you. That is really the essential point of the whole game. You get 1 point for every kiss that you get. You get five points for every time someone goes down on you. You get 10 points for staying over at that person’s apartment AND getting them to go down on you. Obviously there are points that are given for varying degrees of sexual escapades. It is up to the other two people, not involved in the hook-up, to determine the amount of points dolled out. I started the game with 10 points because of my experience with Ahmad. But since I was so confident that I would accrue more points, I let those 10 drop and am currently at zero. Once you hook up with someone, they don’t count anymore. So, as far as this game is concerned, Ahmad nets me zero points. But don’t you worry…I will get me some more. Mariah currently has 5 points. She stayed over at this 35-year-old chick, Pattie’s house, but she didn’t do the whole hook-up. So she only gets 5. Kelly is currently at zero. But you wait…that girl will strike the minute she feels ready.

Fun game, eh?

I am hoping that by the end of the summer, I will have 95 points, the Clap, and a mild strain of the herpes. Gosh…then I will be the WINNER!

Alright my ghoulies. Please remember…if you didn’t eat your bloody booger, you will have to wipe it under a countertop somewhere. Not everyone is as fond of the game as we are.

PEAYCE!

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

The last few weeks have brought so many changes into my life. At times it felt as though the changes were too dramatic and a bit daunting. But I am starting to settle into the new and hopefully improved, Joe. I haven’t had a “down day” in a couple of weeks. My emotions have been much calmer and easier to control and my head doesn’t feel nearly as cloudy as it has since I moved into Times Square. I am starting to achieve the seemingly impossible task of becoming focused on both my personal life and career. I am trying to learn how to take things day by day. I am trying not to stress so much about unnecessary bullshit. I am trying, more than ever, to be the best Joe I can be.

Last night I spent the evening with Ahmad. We didn’t end up going out to a nice dinner because we were having way too much fun drinking wine and smoking the Gangia. We hung out at my apartment for awhile and then we went back to his place to talk and hang some more. The night went more smoothly than it has in the past. There wasn’t pressure on me to like him as much as he likes me and we both took everything very slowly. We treated each other as friends and that was it. I laughed with him and I shared with him. It wasn’t until we went to bed (3am - ugh) that we began to kiss and touch and become intimate.

The problem is that Ahmad has an unbelievable body. While I know that I need to avoid physical intimacy with him right now, it is very hard to do when I just want to squeeze and feel his amazing pecs and arms. And can I say again how amazingly this kid kisses?? From his lips to his hands, he is gentle, but strong. (I am getting hard just writing about it.) He holds me and I feel safe with him. In bed, he is total man and I couldn’t ask for anything more. But I also have to keep in mind that his feelings for me are progressing a lot faster than my feelings for him. I have to remember that or the last kiss I will have with him will be us kissing our friendship goodbye.

When Ahmad showed up at my apartment last night, he brought me a present. It was a book called The Muslim Jesus. On our first date, we had discussed the differences between Islam and Christianity and I was surprised to find out that they have a lot more in common than I previously thought. The only HUGE difference is that Muslims believe in Jesus Christ as a prophet. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. While Ahmad is a semi-practicing Muslim, I find him to be very open-minded when it comes to listening and understanding other people’s religious points of views. I have a lot of personal conviction when it comes to discussions about God and Jesus and heaven, etc. He totally respects my opinions and has an honest interest in what I have to say. Gosh, he is a wonderful conversationalist.

At no point did I think about Paul last night. Ok, maybe once or twice, but it wasn’t nearly as heartbreaking as it was for me two weeks ago. I like the direction that Ahmad and my relationship is going. It feels easier now and without any of the previous pressure to fall in love, get married, and have 16 gay babies. One day at a time. Or something equally as generic.

I am out of the office for most of the day today due to our annual staff lunch. Ari and I are both dreading it. We would rather have our own lunch break and do our own thing. I think the part that pisses me off the most is that over the next two weeks, our “contracts of employment” are up for review and that means “Raise Time”. Ari and I are both asking for more money than we will get. And the worst part about it is that the money we are asking for is not out of the question at all. If anything, we both deserve it, hands down. But instead of giving us a good raise, my bosses will do as they have done in the past. They will give us a 3-5% raise and a lunch out at a cheap Middle Eastern restaurant. Rock! And also, Fuck! Whatever. I am eating my weight in hummus today. That’ll show em.

I missed the premiere of The Real World: Paris last night. I will have to catch it this weekend in repeats. I did find out, however, where they are filming the NEXT Real World. SAN DIEGO! Now THAT will be a great house. Finally some place new and some place interesting. Mary Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murray can take Las Vegas and shove it up their ass. E gads. I hope they don’t “Google” their names and find out that I wrote that. I just love those two.

What does a cannibal call a phone book? Well? What is it? Alright, be lazy…I will tell you. A menu!
A HAR HAR HAR HAR. A YUK YUK YUK YUK. A snore.

I like my new template. It makes me feel clean and pretty. And if you put your nose up close to your computer screen, it smells like Bubblicious. Go ahead…try it.

Yum, right? Total yum. But not Bubble Yum. Bubbalicious!

Alright…I have to go be Jewish now. The Rabbis are ready to go eat some Babaganoush!

Shalom to you and yours.

First, I would like to introduce a blog that I found earlier today. Please welcome Not So Simple. I noticed that she had me linked to her site and I went over and visited her this morning. I was stuck on her site for quite a while. The girl has some serious talent when it comes to writing. I began with one of her past posts called “Her Body is a Map of Scars…” It was excellent. So honest and bold. I enjoyed it immensely and because of that, I had to give her a little plug in here. She is good. Please check her out.

Last night, as Paul and I were wiping the cum off our bodies, we flipped over to the Style network. (yes, you got that right…Paul and I hooked last night! Fucking finally) -(More about that in a minute) The Style network was promoting this new reality show in which they take homeless people off the street, give them makeovers and new jobs, and help them fix their life. While watching this minute long preview, I immediately got choked up. What a wonderful concept! After I regained my composure and slapped myself in the nuts for being such a crybaby over stupid reality TV, I got immediately angry at our society. Why is it that we broadcast dozens of reality shows about people trying to marry fake millionaires or people trying to marry guys with ugly masks on or people trying to compete for their dead grandfather’s will? And WHY do we reward these people with a million bucks? For the love of the Lord.

Seeing the preview for this “Homeless Life Make-Over” show made me see how wrong we all are in supporting these other cheesy and useless shows. If we are going to sit around and watch reality television every night, why don’t we want to watch shows where people with AIDS finally get the treatment they need? Or a show about foster kids finally finding a family that will love them? Why the FUCK are we sitting around watching Joe Millionaire FuckFace lie and slander women in order to win himself some cheap fame and cash? I just don’t get it. And as of right now, I don’t support it.

I mean, sure. I will still watch MTV’s reality programming cuz I have said in this journal time and time again that they are the first and the best. And no one’s getting a lame ass reward out of the deal. But as far as watching “The Bachelor” or “For Love or Money” or “Insert the unclever name of an unclever show here”, I’m done. You can take my nonexistent Nielsen rating and shove it up your ass, corporate conglomerates. You don’t have my support any longer. I originally thought it was bad enough that people preferred “reality” TV to scripted sitcoms based on the fact that so many actors are going out of work. Now I just think it’s sad that as a society we prefer watching people suffer more than we prefer watching people get the help that they need. And that we financially support these boners.

I’m done.

So yes…Paul and I DID hook up last night. I had to play with his limp penis for 20 minutes before I could get him in the mood. Then he wouldn’t even kiss me until I had him lubed up and ready to go. I was happy that we shared this time together, but of course irritated as fuck that it took so much effort on my part to make it happen. One of these days I am going to go down on him and bite that lazy dick of his right off. OR…one of these days, I will find someone who actually gives a shit about sex. And about me. SNORE A LICIOUS.

Tonight, Ahmad is taking me out to dinner. I think we are going to the the SoHo Grand. He told me to dress up really nicely and to be ready for a good time. I checked out the “Grand” online and to be honest, it seems a bit out of my league. Ok, a bit? It is HELLA out of my league. I don’t think I have any clothes nice enough to wear. I am calling him a little bit later and I am going to do my best to change his mind about our dinner destination. I am a diner type of kid; not a glamorous restaurant type of kid. Money means nothing to me and the possession of it means even less.

Kelly would kill me if she knew that I was giving up the chance at going out to dinner at a place like “The Grand”. She has been dying to find someone to take her out to dinner. I understand how she feels, as I have been there before. But she wants to go out classy and expensive and I just don’t care at all about classy or expensive. We have completely different tastes when it comes to dining out. She is rather elegant and I am rather down to earth. But if someone doesn’t take this girl out soon, I might have to mortgage my entire life and do it myself. It’s getting to that point. Too bad Ahmad doesn’t like pretty blue eyed ladies. He could take HER to the SOHO Grand. But then I’d have to cut his dick off for leading me on. Ok…what is WITH me and the mangling of dicks today?
I need to get fucked. That’s probably it.

Off to take a nap for lunch. Cuz when you make $30,000 a year at a shit hole…you get to take naps during your lunch break. And this bitch is ready for his!

Latas lovahs.